Blowing My Trumpet

The other day Nolimit and I were talking about how it is very very easy to find negative things to say about ourselves yet difficult to find positive things to say. Society has taught us to focus on the negative and not to blow our trumpets. Some times when people pay me comlipments I would think they want to get someting from me with no hidden agenda! It was hard to believe they actually meant those things.  I would even say something negative to make them change their mind about that good thing! Nowadays I am learning to say thank you and move on.

We need to credit ourselves more and know that we are full of "good stuff". Wonderfully made with talents by God!

Anyway back to Nolimit She came up with an idea- she was going to blog about 10 things she was proud of about herself. You know, ten positive things about Nolimit. I thought it was brilliant idea and decided I was going to do same. I don't know if she has done it yet but I look forward to reading about Nolimit blowing Nolimit's trumpet. hehe

So here I am about to put myself out there.  No "but this or but that",  just 100% positive content. Honestly, you don't have to agree with me on any of the points but this is Aloted blowing Aloted's trumpet in the most positive way ever!  :)

1) I am a very good cook. I actually find cooking therapeutic. I paticularly love cooking jollof rice, fried rice, any type of rice really and efo elegusi and I have been told they are t'oh bad (GOOD). I have also been picking up some new recipes from 9jaFoodie.

2) If I need any information about anything I will find it. I love researching and finding out new things. I have had a number of people ask for my help when they need information about something and 99% of the time I get the information they need.


3) I am very determined and result oriented. When I put my mind to something or set a goal I always achieve it by God's grace

4) I know how to manage money. Infact I am the financial secretary of the Aloted household.


5) I have great organisational skills. I am very good at organising events, trips, meetings. I get commended at work for organising my meetings and workshops efficiently.


6) I consider myself a loyal friend.


7) I am excellent with using Microsoft Word, Excel, Access, Visio and Powerpoint. I self taught myself and always find a way round any problems on these application.


8) I think I have something called Practical Intelligence, which according to Robert Sternberg is "the ability to adapt to everyday life by drawing on existing knowledge and skills. Practical intelligence enables an individual to understand what needs to be done in a specific setting and then do it." This has helped me a number of time at work especially when I have no understanding of the project. This  also helped me during my Msc in Operational Research, where for more than half of the time I was very clueless on the subjects but I managed to pass all my exams.


9) I look way younger than my age. I used to find this very annoying before especially when some people try to take advantage of me but now I find it rather amusing and will even find it more appealing when I turn 40 and look 25 30 ;)

10) My eyes are probably my best physical feature. Chinese looking eyes (yes o!). Princess inherited them from me which makes her an absolute cutie. lol


Phew, this was actually harder than I thought. I had to thinkkkk. lol. Negatives thoughts kept coming but I make sure I edited and re-edited just to keep it all positive yet truthful.


Ok so now it is your turn ( you knew this was coming, didnt you??). If you enjoyed reading my 10 positive points above, then go on over to your blog and blow your trumpet.  Please let me know when you do so I can go read. I will tag a few people if nobody conforms o.

Much love,
Aloted


photo credits- google images.

My natural hair journey

Two years ago today, I started my natural hair journey out of choice. My hair was natural “by force” from the age of 0 till 16 as my mother forbade my elder sister and I to relax our hair till we finished secondary school. After my final exams, I was so excited to relax my hair and that was one of the first things I did. But you see my hair is very soft and anytime I relaxed it my scalp would burn. I felt this shouldn’t be, but what else could I do to my hair. I started considering going natural but was scared to do it as I wasn't sure how I would manage my hair.

I gradually came to a point where I used to relax my hair twice/thrice a year. After a while I began to get tired of putting chemicals on my hair. I felt God gave me this natural hair, why am I trying to make it look different killing my scalp and hair in the process? I decided to check online, read articles, watched videos and bought a book on natural hair. I didn’t want to do the big chop and regret it.

I transitioned for a while and on that fateful day, Nov 1 2008 I took a bold step and did the big chop. I didn’t set out to do it but it happened (long story). Baale was not a happy bunny. I had been hinted to him I was going natural but I don’t think he took me serious. When he saw my chopped up hair in comb twists later that day he was in utter shock and didn’t speak to me for sometime. We have come a long way from where we were two years ago maybe because I have come to a silent compromise with him- I braid my hair and fix weaves some times. Those are the times I don’t hear any complains. I think he has come to terms with my natural hair (more like given up on me) but still hopes some day I go back to relaxing my hair.

Like Baale, some friends and family find it perplexing that I have gone natural. Some quietly wondered while some have asked me out rightly what on earth I am doing. Some people see it has your hair is unkempt. Well, I try to explain myself in one sentence because anything more than that might result into an argument. My hair is not a function of who I am, it is a part of me but I am not my hair. What I decide to do with my hair is my personal choice. The same way you have decided to relax your hair is the same way I have decided not to. I don’t judge you because you have relaxed hair. God loves us all and I doubt it is our hair that will determine where we end up when we die.

Some have even gone as far as saying, “if you like don’t relax your hair but if Princess wants to relax her hair don’t stop her”. LOL. My reply usually is to laugh and say I will tell Princess the same thing my mother said to my elder sister and I- “nothing touches your hair till you leave secondary school, after that if you want to put jerry curls on one side and tint the other side that one na your own palaver.” Hope that answers the question.

My natural hair journey in summary has been full of high and low moments. Frustrating days esp. when I can’t think of what to do with my hair. Right now I am considering chopping it all up and letting my hair grow again. Hmmm. Whatever the case I don't see myself relaxing my hair again.

I think it is safe to say that going natural isn’t for the faint hearted. It is probably against everything you know right now and what the BLACK/Africa media, culture, or society agree with e.g some African companies won't employ you because of it, some hairdressers will put their nose up and refuse to braid your hair, some will try to charge you more (happened to me). You need to make the choice for yourself and do your research. I am glad I have inspired one or two people in helping them make that final decision to go natural.

So today, I wish myself happy two years of going natural and will like to give a shout out to all the natural hair bloggers (as at the last time I checked) I know. It is a narrow road we are on (if I may say so myself) and only a few travel it so we should be celebrated.

Standtall, tygernity, favoured girl, tolatino, jaycee, archiwiz, FFF, Scarlet, doll.

If u are a natural girl like me, hola! For my relaxed hair friends as well, I love you too. Muah! ;)

To speak or not to speak

***Inspired by a friend's status on fb.

***Sounds like a rant but really it isn't.

***I am Yoruba hence this post might seem directed at fellow Yorubas but I think we can all relate

My two and half year old niece amazes me. She speaks English and Yoruba quite well. This is because sometimes she spends time at my parents (her grandparents) house in Ibadan and my grandma (her great grandma) who hardly speak any English stay at my parents’ as well. So you can imagine the English and Yoruba conversations that go on at my parents’. One time my grandma called her and I heard her say “Mama, mo n bo o”. Another time someone else called her and she replied “ I am coming”. That cracked me up! The girl even says some Yoruba words that I don’t know. At that age she can interpret English to Yoruba and vice versa and she knows who to speak English and Yoruba to respectively. If I say I am not amazed, I lie.

So, I was sharing my amazement with a friend and she was like “ah they have turned your niece into iya arugbo (old woman) ” referring to her speaking Yoruba. I laughed at the time but thinking about it later, I wondered, when did speaking Yoruba become razz or an old person’s thing to do. If children don’t speak it when they are young is it when they are older they will speak it?

I think many Yoruba people are guilty of this notion. The worse ones are some that live in Nigeria and refuse to speak any Yoruba to their children “Please o, I don’t want my children to be razz” (so that means you that can speak Yoruba you are razz abi?), “We only speak Queen English in our house” (Fake fake). What a sad and ignorant thing to think.

I observe Asian parents with their children on the bus or train here in the UK and all you hear them speak is their native language. And I can bet you that those children can speak English fluently. Why do we have this mentality that if our children speak Yoruba they won’t be able to speak English? You! yes you, don’t you speak both English and Yoruba and maybe another language like French effortlessly? Or what exactly is the issue as I really what to understand it. If someone can explain it to me I will appreciate that.

I have one kind of respect for people who can speak Yoruba well and English even better. It trips me. I am definitely not the best Yoruba speaking person (I can hardly pray well in Yoruba or read a book in Yoruba) but I can converse relatively well in Yoruba. My wish is for Princess to understand and speak Yoruba well enough amongst other languages. I want her to be able to hold her own wherever she is. Because of this I speak Yoruba to her as much as I can (she will be 9 months soon). Yes I am razz like that, bite me! lol

An uncle of mine who works with the American embassy told me Yoruba language is hot cake in the States and there are Americans looking for people to teach them Yoruba. What am I even saying, my sister, once had a job in her school to teach one of her American lecturers Yoruba and she was getting paid per hour ( i think), no be say dem tell me. I tell you, this language we have so belittled has serious potential. And you are there feeling cool speaking Queen English. Proud that your children don't speak Yoruba. Yeye!

Yoruba is such a rich language and if we are not careful it will go into extinction with all this nonsense posh behaviour we acquired from only God knows where. Today, Latin is considered a dead language. Even though it is still taught in schools, there are no native, fluent speakers of Latin. What a shame!

We all need to do our part if we don’t want same happening to the Yoruba Language. I beg una, keep speaking the language. Hopefully our mentality will change gradually.

I have said my own o! If I have offended any one by this note, e ni binu ni o (don't be annoyed) because na true talk I talk and you know it. :)

Olorun a ko wa mo se (somebody please translate!) Lol

You don’t have to catch the ball

There’s a new principle I have learnt lately that I will like to share with you. “When someone throws the ball at you, you don’t have to catch it”. Everyday, people (spouses, colleagues, friends, family etc) throw all kinds of balls at us and most of us think it is our duty to catch them. We see ourselves as heroes and pride in the ability to rescue our family and friends when they are in trouble. However when we do this often we sometimes begin to feel resentful, blaming others for taking advantage of us or for not giving us the respect we think we deserve. It is like a vicious cycle- you want to please everyone yet you are not happy because you feel manipulated.

Why do we find ourselves in situations like this? Maybe because we don’t want to look bad or we want people to like us or we simply have a rescuer mentality. It sometimes boils down to the ability to saying no. Before I continue please note that I am not saying we should never be there for our families and friends, what I am saying is that we choose when to be there. That way, we don’t blame others for taking up all our time since we made that choice to be available in the first place. The funny thing is when we choose not to catch the ball, the person will bounce their ball to someone else who eventually will catch it (shows you are not the only one in the world that can help).

Saying no does not mean you reject the person it simply means you reject the task or whatever it is they want you to get involved in. This is where assertiveness comes in. I read somewhere that assertiveness is “your ability to know who you are and what you stand for - and then to express these qualities effectively in everyday interactions with other people”. Assertiveness is a skill we all have to learn as it does not come to us naturally. People generally lean towards passiveness (trying to keep peace at all times) or aggression (resorting to violence when saying no). Assertion increases constructive communication and relationship between people.

The consequence of being assertive is that people respect your feelings and your boundaries. You know you have a right to express your opinions or beliefs even when it contradicts what others are saying or what they want you to do.

One area where most of us see ourselves catching the ball is picking up our mobile/phone when it rings. It's a strange one but it is true. Mobile phones can be a BIG time stealer. We pick up the phone and sometimes get involved in idle chats and later on realise that we haven't achieved much either at work or with the house chores. Sometimes when I am doing my house chores and my phone rings I let it ring out. My hubby gets upset with me when I do this but I tell him it is my mobile phone and I can choose to answer it or not. Besides I can always call this person back. More often than not if the call is really important the caller either leaves a message on my voicemail or sends me an sms. This is not to say I don't appreciate my friends or I don't want people calling me but I have learnt that I am in control of my time and can't catch the ball at that time. Speaking of which, I need to return some calls I missed this weekend!

Anyway, I hope you get the point I am trying to make. It might not apply to everyone but am sure someone out there needs to read this. Next time I will be talking about some assertiveness tips for everyday life. Meanwhile enjoy your week and remember when someone throws the ball at you, you don't have to catch it.

"Let them say..."

"Don’t take things personally. Most of the time whatever is going on around you and the reactions you encounter have very little to do with you. The response has to do with the accumulation of many experiences that particular person had before he or she even got to you."

- Michelle McKinney Hammond

Sometimes we need to be reminded of some things we already know. I read the above in an article written by Michelle Mckinney (I love her books!) today and I feel like a heavy weight has been lifted off my shoulders (the past week has not exactly been the best of weeks for me). These words have just made me realise again that I will make some decisions and people will get offended, they will misjudge me, they will misconstrue what I say based on their past experiences. This tells me, I cannot be held accountable for people's feelings or reactions towards me. I can only be held responsible for my own actions. God sees and knows my heart and it is to him I am accountable to.

Do you feel bad because others misjudged you? I can imagine how you feel, because I have just been there and it is not a healthy place to be. Lets try not to take it personal. I hope the words above make enough sense to you like it did to me because it is TRUE.

Please feel free to share your experiences. Any words of encouragement for me and others feeling misunderstood will also be appreciated. Thanks!

Becoming one flesh? When?

Just My Opinion!

When the bible says that “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” I believe becoming “one flesh” should ONLY happen in marriage. Many single people especially ladies in relationships are jumping the gun and already becoming one flesh with their partners. Am not talking about sex, that is a diferent topic on its own. I am actually talking about ladies that do not have lives of their own anymore but are glued to their boyfriends or fiancés. I am saddened when I see ladies behave so sheepishly. Some girls in the name of love abandon their girlfriends when they start a new relationship revolving their world around their men. The guy gets tired of the relationship, dumps girl and the girl is left stranded with no friends. Being in love is good, sweet, heavenly etc but we should not let our love become something else in the process.

A good friend of mine said to me: “In a relationship 1 + 1 = 3". I asked him to elaborate on this. He explained that when you are married you become one with your partner because you practically start a new life together, suppose to start having sex (spiritual oneness..some deep stuff we can't go into now) but when you are single and in a relationship, the girl has her life (1), the guy has his life (2) and they “their life” (3). Meaning that both the girl and guy should have both individual and common interests. I totally agree with this analysis. This way there is a balance in the relationship. When there is no balance, one person will always feel choked in the relationship and this can be disastrous.

Typical examples of "clingy" behavior:
- When you are the only girlfriend at your girlfriend’s birthday get-together. The men at the get-together are friends of your friend’s boyfriend and the other girls are girlfriends to these guys.
- When a girl can’t go anywhere – parties, outing with other friends etc except Mr. boyfriend comes along
- When everything a girl talks about is remotely or directly linked to her boyfriend. She must always mention boyfriend name in every sentence. Personally I don’t have an issue with girls talking about their boyfriend but am sure we can have a decent conversation without his name been mentioned in every line!
- Mr Boyfy has to endorse everything she does, wears, spends etc.

I can go on and on about examples but that is not the point. The point is ladies need to reach a point in their lives where they don’t have to rely on mr. boyfriend for everything.Ladies that are overly dependent on their men are setting themselves up for a BIG fall either now or in the future. The irony of the matter is that guys in relationship still hang out with their friends …so why can’t ladies take a cue from guys…why do you feel that until you forsake every thing for a guy he won’t/can’t love you. That is a lie from the pit of hell.

Even in marriage, becoming one flesh with your husband doesn’t mean not having a life of your own. Well am not married yet so I won’t even go there. So back to you my fellow singles, in relationships, about to marry etc please note that a mature guy respects an independent woman and not one that clings…Get a life, get a hobby, get passionate about something outside of the man in your life. You need it!

We have been called to live a purposeful life and this definitely involves more than the men in our lives. Selah